Erica

My name is Erica and I am a grateful person in recovery. In my first-grade yearbook they asked us “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Most people said, a firefighter or a policeman or a dentist or a vet. I replied, a princess. I did not have in mind, a person with a substance use disorder. When I was a young girl, I created elaborate fantasy lands and stories in my head as a way to escape. This was my first experience with escaping my own reality. My life wasn’t bad – I was a child of divorce, but I had two parents who loved and cared about me. I was an only child with a lot of time on my hands and a very active imagination. Fast forward, and I started drinking with my friends in high school like everyone else when I was 15 or 16 before school dances like a “normal” kid. We would get ready in a friend’s room and steal our parent’s vodka, replacing it with water so they wouldn’t notice. This was amongst my first experience with lying and I got a serious rush from it, like a tingle in my lips and fingers. I started smoking marijuana with my coworkers after shift, which escalated to by myself before shift, after school, before school, and then eventually being high all the time. College was the time for the disease to flourish. What started out as being a normal college student quickly escalated to going to the bars every day, sitting alone in a room with just me and baggies of hard drugs that I had set aside for myself, stolen from someone else, or sold something else to obtain. I spent a decent amount of time following bands, going to music festivals, taking psychedelics from whomever, doing any substance I could get my hands on. Eventually, I couldn’t do anything without the substances. My life was controlled by a schedule of using. I often did not pay rent, was evicted from apartments, and eventually dropped out of school. At the age of 26, I found myself in a domestic violence situation because of the substances. We met because he was my dealer. If I had left, I wouldn’t have had access to my drug of choice, which was a scarier thought than being safe. I was willing to give everything to a life of substances, including my happiness, self-worth, and safety. My journey in recovery began on January 23, 2019 when I finally decided I was worth a beautiful life. This beauty, this magic, this truth was always in me, all muted by the substances and the noise. I couldn’t hear myself for years. The truth is, I did not want to hear myself until the pain became great enough and I became willing to make a change. Today I am enrolled in SUNY Empire’s Community and Human Services program, with a focus in advocacy and policymaking. I hope to finally finish my bachelor’s degree and be able to make a difference in other’s lives; those that do not have a voice and are unable to advocate for themselves. Recovery has given me so many gifts: a beautiful relationship with my family, my boyfriend, an apartment of my own, a wonderful career path, and so many other incredible things that would never be possible had I not become willing to make that change. I often think about my first-grade yearbook and laugh at my reply. I am certainly not a princess, but I am a person in recovery and that is a title that I am most proud of. I have picked up my guitar and found music again. I have found the artist within me again. Most importantly, I wake up in the morning and am happy with who I am and what I do. I am safe. I can look at myself in the mirror. I am honest. I help others and am of service. I am a student of life and forever growing and learning and changing. I have been given a second chance, and for that, I am truly grateful.